Jokes of the Day

Happy 4th of July, America!

1. How come there aren’t any knock-knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings.

2. What kind of tea did the American colonists want?

Liber-tea.

3. What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington?

One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.

4. What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party?

Tea-shirts.

5. What was George Washington’s favorite tree?

The infantry.

6. What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?

The Fodder of Our Country!

7. What was the most popular dance in 1776?

Indepen-dance.

8. What do you call an American drawing?

Yankee doodle!

9. If you crossed a Patriot with a curly-haired dog, what would you get?

Yankee Poodle.

And last, but not least;

10. Why doesn’t fire get to enjoy a day off on the Fourth of July?

Because fire works.

Paddy and his two good friends were sitting at a bar, talking about their wives.

“I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician,” his first friend said, taking a swig of his beer.

“How’s that?” his other friend asked.

“Well, the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed, and they weren’t mine.”

The other men clapped him on his back and told him things would turn out fine.

They ordered another round and kept drinking.

After a while, the other friend said, “You know what, I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.”

“Really? How’s that?” the first friend asked.

“Well, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

“Man, that sucks!” Paddy and his friend said, and ordered another round of beer.

After taking a sip, Paddy said, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Both his friends stared at him in utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious,” Paddy said, “the other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed!”

Being able to think on your feet is a valuable skill, and will help you come up with solutions on the fly.

However, sometimes there’s just no way to go other than staying put – and then things might turn out like this…

A construction worker was working on site at a monastery, renovating a bathroom. As he was tightening some screws, a pipe burst, drenching him in sewage. He was given permission to use the monastery’s shower and changing room.

However, he was specifically instructed to be careful, since most of the nuns were very devoted in their faith and had never seen a man naked.

The construction worker was very dirty after the incident, so he took one bar of soap in each hand as he went into the shower. Just when he was about to turn on the shower, he heard three nuns walking into the changing room and starting to undress.

The man panicked, but had nowhere to go. Lacking a better option, he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

As the young nuns entered the shower, they were surprised by the lifelike statue.

“This statue must be new, it’s still muddy from the transport,” said one of the nuns.

“It looks so real! But what’s that?” asked one of the nuns and pointed at the construction worker’s groin.

“I don’t know,” said one of the nuns, who then walked up and pulled his penis.

The construction worker was so surprised that he dropped one of the bars of soap he was holding.

“Ah,” exclaimed one of the nuns, “It’s a soap dispenser!”

The second nun walked up to the “statue” and pulled its penis as well. The construction worker had no idea what to do, so he dropped the second soap.

The third nun wanted to try it as well. She pulled once but nothing happened.

So she tried pulling one, two, three, four, five times, and suddenly exclaimed, “Look! I got liquid soap!”

Three old Catholic priests got together one evening to discuss their lives.

One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people’s problems – I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”

The others nodded in agreement. Suddenly, one of them said, “Wait a minute, we can forgive other people’s sins, why don’t we just confess to each other?”

The others were hesitant at this proposition, but eventually one of them said, “My brothers, I have a great sin to confess: I am an incurable gambler, and sometimes I steal money from the alms box…”

The others were taken aback by this, but forgave their fellow priest.

The next one said, “Brother, your sin is nothing compared to mine – I’m a lecherous womanizer! There’s not a woman between 18 and 85 in my congregation that I haven’t been with!”

The others were surprised, but still forgave their fellow priest.

The third priest, who was 90 years old, was unwilling to confess his greatest sin.

After some coaxing, he finally said, “Okay then. My brothers, I am a notorious tattletale – I can never seem to keep my mouth shut…”

Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunited at a party.

What happened next surprised everyone!

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained started talking about their kids.

The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and then began to climb the corporate ladder, and now he’s the president of the company! He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”

The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, and he now owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

The third man said, “Well, that’s just terrific! My son studied at the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion.”

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom.

The returning man asked, “What are all the congratulations for?”

One of the three said, “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons… What about your son?”

The fourth man replied, “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

One of the three friends said, “What a shame, you must be disappointed.”

The fourth man replied, “No, not at all. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”

Funny or bad christmas jokes are a key moment of the festive season.

— Here are a bunch of the best jokes to keep you merry this christmas!

What happens to elves when they behave naughty?

Santa gives them the sack.

What kind of music do elves listen to?

Wrap.

What is a snowmans favorite breakfast?

Ice Crispies.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party?

He had no-body to go with.

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A Mince Spy!

What says 'Oh Oh Oh'?

Santa walking backwards!

What do you call a greedy elf?

Elfish.

What do zombies eat with their Christmas dinner?

Grave-y.

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws!

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Can you smell carrot?

Whats the best Christmas Present?

A broken drum – you can't beat it.

Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?

Rude-alph!

Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh?

He wanted to see time fly!

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

Claustrophobia!

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can ho, ho, ho.

What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck?

A Christmas Quacker!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Iceburgers!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

They always drop their needles!

What happened to the thief who stole a Christmas Advent Calendar?

He got 25 days!

What is a skunks favorite Christmas song?

Jingle smells!

What is Santa's dogs name?

Santa Paws!

What falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt?

Snow.

What never eats at Christmas dinner?

The turkey – it’s stuffed.

Where does Santa stay when he is on holiday?

At a Ho-ho-ho-tel.

What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May?

A puddle!

Did you know that Rudolph the Reindeer never went to school?

He was elf taught.

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

What do snowmen usually wear on their heads?

Ice caps!

Where do you find chilli beans?

At the north pole!

What is a librarians favorite Christmas song?

Silent Night

What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?

An elfcicle!

What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?

Holly Davidson.

Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it 'soots' him!

How do you know Santa is good at karate?

He has a black belt!

What do you call an old snowman?

Water.

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

Nothing – it was on the house!

What does Santa say at the start of a race?

Ready, set, Ho! Ho! Ho!

Where do snowmen keep money?

In a snow bank.

What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.

Why does everybody like Frosty the Snowman?

Because he is so cool!

What do you call a cat on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Mary.

Mary who?

Merry Christmas!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Snow.

Snow who?

Snow use – I've forgotten my name!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Hannah.

Hannah who?

Hannah partridge in a pear tree!

Did You Know Any Of These 48 Facts?

1. Hot water will turn into ice faster than cold water.

2. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.

3. The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter in the English language.

4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

5. Ants never sleep!

6. “I Am” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

7. Coca-Cola was originally green.

8. Bats have no anus.

9. When the moon is directly overhead, you will weigh slightly less.

10. Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from the blowing desert sand.

11. There are only two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”

12. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

13. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

14. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

15. Minus 40 degrees Celsius is exactly the same as minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit.

16. Chocolate can kill dogs, as it contains theobromine, which affects their heart and nervous system.

17. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!

18. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

19. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

20. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

21. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.

22. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky

23. The "sixth sick sheikh's sixth sheeps' sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

24. “Rhythm” is the longest English word without a vowel.

25. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

26. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.

– Spades = King David – Clubs = Alexander the Great – Hearts = Charlemagne – Diamonds – Julius Caesar.

27. It is impossible to touch you nose with your tongue.

28. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

29. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. – If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. – If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

30. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?

Answer. – All invented by women.

31. Question – This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?

Answer. – Honey.

32. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

33. A snail can sleep for three years.

34. All polar bears are left handed.

35. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

36. Butterflies taste with their feet.

37. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

38. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

39. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

40. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

41. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

42. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

43. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

44. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

45. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times

46. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

47. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

48. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

1. How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?

He was hooked on trees his whole life.

2. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

Because he had very low elf esteem.

3. What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat?

Hits a gnome and runs.

4. What do you call a broke Santa Claus?

Saint-nickel-less.

5. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

6. Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?

His wife was a total flake.

7. Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much?

Because every single buck is dear to him!

8. What do you get when you cross a duck with Santa?

A Christmas quacker.

9. What’s Santa’s favorite snack food?

Crisp Pringles.

10. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?

They’re into all the wrapping.

11. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

Nothing. It was on the house!

12. How do you help someone who’s lost their Christmas spirit?

Nurse them back to elf.

13. What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?

Anything you want. He can’t hear you!

14. What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish.

15. What do you call a blind reindeer?

I have no eye deer.

16. What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?

Rude-olph.

17. How is Christmas exactly like your job?

You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

18. What’s every elf’s favorite type of music?

Wrap.

19. What do you call a scary looking reindeer?

A cariboo.

20. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

Frostbite.

21. What’s the absolute best Christmas present?

A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

22. What do reindeer say before they tell you a joke?

This one’s gonna sleigh you!

23. What do you call Santa’s little helpers?

Subordinate clauses.

24. What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas?

It’s finally Christmas, Eve!

25. What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has No-el.

26. How do you know when Santa’s around?

You can always sense his presents.

27. What do you call an elf that can sing and dance?

Elfis.

28. Where does Santa keep all his money?

At the local snow bank.

29. Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store?

He was searching for some holiday spirit.

30. Why don’t crabs celebrate Christmas?

Because they’re shell-fish.

31. What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas Carol?

Silent Night.

32. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Frosted Flakes or Ice Crispies.

33. What do you call Santa when he takes a break?

Santa Pause.

34. Why is Santa kind of scared of chimneys?

Because he’s so claus-trophobic.

35. What do elves learn in school?

The elfa-bet.

36. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?

He had no body to go with.

37. What do you call a cat on the beach on Christmas Day?

Sandyclaws.

38. Why do Christmas trees like the past so much?

Because the present’s beneath them.

39. Why is Santa so good at karate?

Cause he’s got a black belt.

40. What part of the body do you only see around Christmas?

The mistletoe.

41. Where does mistletoe go to get famous?

Holly-wood!

42. Why is Santa always cast as the lead in the local musical?

Because he has such good presents.

43. What do you get when you deep fry Santa?

Crisp Cringle.

44. Why does Santa always enter through the chimney?

Because it soots him.

45. How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?

Fleece Navidad.

46. What’s Santa’s favorite candy?

Jolly ranchers.

47. What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?

A pineapple!

48. What do you call a snowman that can walk?

Snow-mobile.

49. What do hip-hop artists do on Christmas?

Unwrap.

50. What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling?

Mistletoad.

When you get stuck trying to solve a problem, then getting advice from someone else can be a huge help.

However, some people don’t always give the best advice – this is one such story.

George, a 63 year old man – marries Laura, a 21 year old woman, and they are very much in love.

However, no matter what they do in bed, Laura never achieves orgasm.

For months they try everything they can think of – different positions, different toys and some things that are best left to the imagination – but with no success.

They decide to go to the doctor to see what can be done to make their sex life more pleasurable. The doctor listens to their story, and makes the following suggestion:

“Hire an attractive young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help her fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.”

They are a bit taken aback by the doctor’s words, but they are determined to succeed in their mission.

They go home and follow the doctor’s advice: They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.

But it doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the doctor.

“Okay George,” says the doctor, “let’s try it reversed – have the young man make love to your wife while you wave the towel over them.”

Once again, they follow the doctor’s advice.

The attractive young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband vigorously waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

George smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,

“You see, now THAT’S how you wave a towel!”

The Jehovah Witness

An older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring.

She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said, “Hello, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, do you have a moment to discuss the Holy Word?”

The lady was in a good mood and had just put on a pot of coffee, so she invited the man in and sat down with him at the kitchen table.

When she offered him a cup of coffee, she noticed that the man looked a little lost.

She asked, “Now, what would you like to talk about, dear?”

The young man replied with a pale and shocked face,

“Beats the hell out of me, I’ve never gotten this far…”

A 67 year old man walks into a restaurant, carrying a cat under his arm.

He sits down at a table, calls the waiter over and orders a beer for himself and ten extra big steaks for the cat.

The waiter looks at the man with surprise and says, “What kind of cat could eat ten steaks?!?”

“Well,” replies the old man, “I rescued a small fairy, and she gave me three wishes for my help.

I wished for good health and lots of money, but the last wish didn’t go too well.”

“How so?” the waiter asks.

“Well, that damn fairy totally misunderstood me when I wished for an insatiable pussy…”

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided it was time to get married again. 👵💍

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME. MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME. MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. 🔔

Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. 🧓🦽

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you… you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" 😂

She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!"

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" 😆

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

"Rang the doorbell, didn't I?" 😏🔔🍑

Santa Claus is a woman because:

The vast majorities of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a last-minute shopping spree.

A man would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Men can’t pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all those elves.

Men don’t answer their mail.

Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

83 year old Phillip was just going to bed, when his his 81 year old wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garage, which she could see from the bedroom window.

Phillip opened the back door to go turn off the light, but he then saw that there were 3 men breaking into his garage.

He called the police and said, “Get over here quickly, there’s 3 burglars trying to break into my garage on Maple Drive!”

The dispatcher replied, “I see, sir. Is your garage detached from your house?”

He said, “Yes, but never mind that, these bastards are breaking in and stealing from me!”

The police dispatcher said, “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and stay indoors. An officer will be along when one is available.”

Phillip said, “Okay.”

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he called the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my garage. Well, you don’t have to worry about them anymore, because I just shot them,” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the old man’s residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the police officers said to Phillip, “I thought you said that you’d shot them?!”

Phillip replied, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

90 year old George went for his annual physical examination.

All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Darns said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Darnes, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Darnes called George's wife.

"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.

Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

If you had one last wish – what would it be? Elsa was granted hers, and got a real surprise!

Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life. When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her.

He said, “Welcome, Elsa. Do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”

“I do,” Elsa replied. “I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”

St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.

She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.

The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.

“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.

“Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied. “But I think we have to call for an ambulance. Our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!".

A rich man threw a mansion party.

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee.

During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followed him out to what appeared to be a huge swimming pool filled with live alligators.

“What is the meaning of this?!” Exclaimed one man

The rich man replied. “I have so much wealth that I do not know what to do with it. I have more money than one man could ever hope to spend. Alas I am bored!”

“This is my 80 foot pool and it holds one hundred hungry alligators!” He proudly proclaimed. “I am prepared to pay a cash prize of $10,000,000 to anyone who can swim from one side to the other without being harmed!”

His audience fell silent. No one was crazy (or drunk enough) to attempt such a feat.

“You’re a madman!” One guest bellowed out. “A fools errand to be sure!” Another one shouted.

“Yes, yes, I suppose you’re right.” The rich man nodded. “I did not expect anyone to be willing to throw away their life for mere dollars. Back inside I suppose”.

Just as the rich man and all of his guests are heading back inside the mansion, he hears a loud SPLASH.

“Out of my way!” He yelled, as he pushed his way through the crowd back to the pool.

Much to his surprise and disbelief, he sees a young man swimming for his life across the gator infested pool! The young man narrowly makes it to the other side safe and unharmed, climbs out of the water, doubles over hands on knees and begins to breath heavily.

The rich man rushes over to him. “Are you insane?! He shrieks. “You could have died! Why would you even attempt such a stunt?! I mean the money is no problem, I’ll deliver it to you at once however, I must know what made you go for it? I’ve never seen anyone swim that fast in my life!”

The young man, still catching his breath, picks himself up to stand straight, wrings his soaked shirt, and slicks his hair back, looks the rich man dead in his face and angrily says…

“My Wife f*cking pushed me!”

A blind man went to a restaurant.

"Menu sir?" asked the owner.

"I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order."

The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.

The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath, "Yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables."

"Unbelievable!" thought the owner.

The blind man ate and left.

2 weeks later the blind man returned.

The owner, wanting to see how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "Do me a favour and rub this fork over your private part!!" which she did!

He then goes to the man and gives him the fork.

The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says, "Oh, interesting! I never knew Brenda worked here!"

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

‘You ok?’ she says.

‘Yes.’ he replies.

‘You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she says.

‘No, it’s probably best I stay here.’ he replies.

‘Why’s that sweetie?’ says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says,

“Because I’m the Goalie!”

A blonde goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You don’t dye your hair, do you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

“I thought so," quipped the Doctor."…

"Your finger is broken."

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn’t want to pay the high prices.

After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said angrily, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper smiled and replied, “Go ahead! Try to catch a really big one while you’re at it!”

Later that day while on his way home, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in a swamp, shotgun in hand.

He stopped to look, and just then he saw an enormous alligator swimming toward the blonde.

She took aim at the alligator, and BAM! She scored a perfect bulls-eye, and with some effort managed to haul the alligator onto the swamp bank.

The shopkeeper suddenly noticed that several more of the dead creatures were lying around the blonde.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration,

“Damn, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

A blonde woman, tired of the stereotypes about blondes, decides one day to prove her intelligence to her husband.

Tired of the constant blonde jokes and the stereotype that blondes are not smart, a blonde woman decides to prove her intelligence to her husband. While he is at work, she takes it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in their house.

The next day, as soon as her husband leaves, she dives into the project. When he returns home at 5:30, he immediately notices the strong smell of paint. Concerned, he walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor, drenched in sweat. To his surprise, she’s wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.

Worried, he asks if she’s okay. She assures him she is fine. Curious, he inquires about her outfit. She explains that she wanted to prove that blondes can be smart by painting the house. When he asks why she's wearing both coats, she confidently explains, "I read the instructions on the paint can, and it said, 'For best results, put on two coats.'" 😊🙂😄😁😆😅😂🤣

A blonde woman was teaching her daughter how to hunt when they got lost in the woods. 🌲

"Don't worry," said the mother. "This is a great learning opportunity. We'll just shoot in the air three times. That's the universal signal for help."

So, she shot in the air three times.

They waited and waited, but no one came. 😟

"That's okay," said the mother. "Maybe nobody was around that time. We'll just try again. Why don't you shoot this time?"

The daughter nodded and took her turn, shooting in the air three times.

They waited another hour, but still, no one came. 😕

"Let's try one more time," said the daughter. "Third time's the charm, right?"

"Okay, but it better work this time!" the mother replied,…

"These are my last arrows." 🎯😂