Jokes of the Day

During a soirée at this classy cocktail joint, I spotted this absolutely ravishing woman, far advanced in her years. 🌟🍸

Let me tell you, this lady was an elegant 59, exuding a magnetic charm that could rival Marilyn Monroe. 💃✨

The evening unfolded with flirtatious banter and a round of rich, aged whiskey. 🥃😉

Things were sparking when out of the blue, she playfully throws this question at me, “Sonny, have you ever danced a tango with a mother-daughter team?” 💬😏

Thinking this lady’s daughter must be absolutely stunning also, I replied with a twinkle in my eye, “Well, that dance floor still awaits my footprints.” 😌🎶

In a blink, she downed her vintage whiskey, looked at me with a mischievous smile, whispering, “Buckle up, darling, tonight, we dance.” 💫👠

The anticipation was high as we approached her residence, my heart drumming a Jazz rhythm within. 🎷💓

As she elegantly unlocked the door, we tiptoed in. 🚪🔑

She suddenly belted out, “Hey, Ma! Up for a late-night show?” 🎭🕺

…hobble by.

She hasn’t had a customer for a while, so she whistles at him and calls out,

“Hey, would you like to have some fun with me?”

The old man replies, “But I won’t be able to…”

“C’mon,” she interjects, “Just give it a try!”

The old man shrugs, and the two go inside.

When they get to the room, the old man proceeds to go at it like a stallion for over an hour.

When he’s done, the exhausted lady exclaims, “I thought you said you wouldn’t be able to?…”

The old man replies,

“… pay you.”

…jumped in the car and started it up.

After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.

The passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!”

The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.

The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”

The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.

The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

“There he is again,” the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”

“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”

They were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”

The old man gently replied,

“You want some help getting out of the mud?”

A quite full-of-himself Harvard graduate sits next to a young blonde lady on a flight from California to New York.

To pass the time, he says to the blonde, “Let’s play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.”

The young lady agrees and the game proceeds.

The smug graduate asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?”

She gushes, “Oh my, you’re so smart. I’m just a simple lass, I have no idea.”

She reaches into her purse, and hands the man $5.

He says brashly, “Well, if you were educated like me, you’d have known the answer.”

She nods, then asks the man, “What goes up a hill on 3 legs, but comes down on 4?”

The graduate thinks about it for a long time, but fails to answer the question.

After almost 20 minutes, he begrudgingly gives the blonde $500.

Irritated, he then asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill on 3 legs and comes down on 4?”

The blonde reaches into her purse and hands him $5.

Moral of the story: A good education will only get you so far in life.

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers.

Once he is done, the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

“But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “If you said you paid, you did.”

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees, that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid or not.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.”

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says,

“You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight.”

“Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did.”

“The next guy who tries that, is going to get punched right in the nose.”

The final patron responds, “Don’t bother me with your troubles,”…

“Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.

The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Judge #1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

Judge #1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Judge #1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge #2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

Judge #1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT… Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge #1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Judge #1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Judge #1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Judge #1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge #3 — No report.

Q: There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A: 499

Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?

A: Open door, put elephant in, close door.

Q: What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in the fridge?

A: Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Q: The Lion King is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it, and why?

A: Giraffe. He is stuck in a fridge.

Q: Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There’s no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?

A: The alligators are all at a birthday party.

Q: Sally dies anyways. Why?

A: She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

…Unfortunately, after just a few years, they’re in financial trouble. To keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to buy a bull from the stockyard in a faraway town so they can breed their own stock. They only have $600.

The older redneck says, “I’m gonna take the bus to the stockyards since you need the pickup truck. When I get there, if I buy a bull, I’ll contact you to bring the truck and trailer to haul it home.” 🐂🚜

The older redneck arrives at the stockyard, inspects a bull, and decides he wants to buy it. The man tells him that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, he makes his way to the nearest town to send his brother a telegram with the news. 🏢📜

He walks into the telegraph office and says, “I want to send a telegram to my brother, telling him that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need him to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator says he’ll be glad to help, then adds, “It’s 99 cents a word.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the redneck only has one dollar left—enough to send one word. 💸

After a few minutes of thinking, he nods and says, “I want you to send him this word: comfortable.”

The operator shakes his head. “How is he ever going to know that you want him to hitch the trailer to the pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send him just the word ‘comfortable’?”

The redneck explains, “This is a big word for my bro. So he’ll read it very slowly…” 😂

I asked her what was wrong.

She replied, “I have a hunky 22 year old husband at home. He rubs my back every morning, and then gets up and makes me pancakes, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

I asked, “Well then, why are you crying?”

She says, “He makes my favourite lunch of soup and brownies, and then watches TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.”

Confused, I ask again, “Then why are you crying?”

She goes on saying, “For dinner, he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and we go to sleep together.”

Finally, I ask, “Then why in the world are you crying?”

She replies tearfully,

“I don’t remember where I live!”

A big shot rising politician had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

The nurses were frustrated by him because he bossed them around just like he did his personal staff.

None of the other hospital workers wanted to have anything to do with him either.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”

After complaining for several minutes, he finally relented, crossed his arms, and opened his mouth.

“No, I’m sorry,” the nurse stated, “but for this reading I can’t use an oral thermometer.”

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, she said to him, “I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!”

She left the door to his room open on her way out.

He muttered under his breath as he heard people laughing as they walked past his door.

After almost an hour, the man’s doctor came into the room.

“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?”

“I sure have,” the Doctor replies,”…

“Just never with a daffodil!”

…complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old.

The first old man said, “I’d give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it’s only a small dribble.”

The second old man said, “I’d give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out.”

The third old man said, “Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss. Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit.”

The other two old men look at him and say, “So what the hell are you complaining about?”

The third old man says, “I don’t wake up until 7”.

A church pastor is invited to dinner at the house of a parishioner.

The pastor sits at the table with the family.

The mom requests her daughter, age six, say grace before the meal.

She sits in silence.

“It’s okay, dear,” the mother calms her. “You can do it. Just repeat what you heard daddy say before breakfast this morning.”

The little girl folds her hands, bows her head, and says in a loud voice,

“Oh good lord, why did you invite the pastor over for dinner tonight?”

~~ Joke 2 ~~

Children left alone in the backseat can cause accidents.

Which is quite ironic, considering that accidents in the backseat can cause children.

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident.

The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter.

While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

“What if it doesn’t work out?” they wonder, “Are we stuck together forever?”

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informs the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”

“Great,” says the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” exclaims the frightened couple.

“Geez!” St. Peter exclaims, “It took me three months to find a priest up here!”…

“Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take for me to find a lawyer?”

A man runs into a proctologist office shouting, “Help me! Help me! I think I’m a moth!”

The doctor said, “I’m a proctologist. You should see a psychiatrist.”

The man says, “Yes I know.”

The proctologist asks, “Then why did you come into this office?”

The man shrugs, “The light was on.”

Derek goes out drinking with his friends one night and gets blackout drunk.

He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back, but he got so drunk that he doesn’t remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.

He walks downtown and goes into one bar and asked the bartender, “Excuse me, I know this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?”

A golden toilet? I don’t think so,” the bartender said, giving him a strange look.

The man walked into another bar,” Excuse me, you don’t happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?” said Derek.

“A golden toilet, huh? Don’t be ridiculous.”

This continues all day until finally Derek walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town.

He asks the bartender: “Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet.”

The bartender smiles, turns around and yells, “Hey Bob, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!”

Andy worked at the post office. His job was to process all mail items that had illegible addresses.

One day a letter came to his desk, addressed, in shaky handwriting, to God. He thought, “I better open this one and see what it’s all about.”

So he opened it and it read:

“Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred quid in it which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.”

“This Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.”

“Can you please help me?”

The postal worker was touched and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few quid.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96 which they put into an envelope and sent over to her.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

“Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?”

“Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.”

“By the way, there was $4 missing. It was no doubt those thieving scoundrels at the post office.”

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

“Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”

“Those fools!” the old man grumbles. “They misspelled my name!”

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

“Delora… Delora…”

“Is that you, Darling?”

“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex… I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of times more.

Then I have lunch (you’ll be proud – lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

“Oh, Darling! Are you in Heaven?”

“No – – I’m a rabbit somewhere in Montana.

One night at the corner bar, I was cradling my drink with a frown. My buddy couldn’t help but ask what was wrong. I sighed and told him, “My partner dropped a bomb on me: one more late night stumbling in, and our relationship is done.”

With a knowing grin, he leaned in and whispered, “I’ve got just the trick. Slip into the house, make your way to the bedroom, and surprise them with some romance. Maybe sneak into bed, kiss her neck softly, and make love to her. They’ll be so touched, the anger will melt away.”

Desperate, I figured I had nothing to lose and agreed to his plan.

After a night of ill-advised revelry, I tottered home. I remembered his words and managed a silent entry, easing into the bedroom, and made love to her.

But after some time with no response at all, I shuffled to the bathroom, only to find my partner there, looking bewildered. “Oh, you finally decided to come home?” they whispered. “Keep it down; my mother crashed in our bed tonight.”

The waitress asks them for their orders. 🍔

The man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” 🍟

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich. 🥤

A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40, please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. 💵

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.” 🍔

The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” 🥤

Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change. 💵

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress. 🍽️

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a salad,” says the man. 🥩

“Same,” says the ostrich. 🥗

Shortly, the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $52.80.” 🍽️

Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. 💰

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?” 🤔

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.” 🧞‍♂️

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!” 💡

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man. 🚗

The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?” 🦅

The man sighs, pauses, and answers,

“My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.” 😆

Three nuns are travelling in a bus when it crashes.

All of the nuns died instantly, and find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates, where St Peter is waiting for them.

He said to the nuns, “Before I can let you in to heaven you each have to answer a question.”

To the first nun, St Peter asks, “Where did Adam meet the first woman?”

The Nun replied, “In the Garden Of Eden.”

St Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened…

St Peter then turned to the second Nun and asked, “What was the name of the first woman in the garden of Eden?”

The second Nun promptly replied, “Her name was Eve.”

St Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened…

St Peter then turns to the final Nun, and asks, “What did Eve say when she first saw Adam in the garden of Eden?”

The Nun was stumped, and stood still for a very long time trying to recall the answer. “Ooh, that’s a hard one…” she muttered under her breath.

St Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened…

A woman and her lover were going for it in the bedroom late one afternoon when her husband arrives home early from work.

“No time to get dressed and leave”, said the woman. So she covered him in baby oil and then flour.

“Stand still”, she said, “and be a statue.”

The husband came and asked what it was.

“A statue…..the Smiths next door got one so I thought we should get one too”

Later that night the husband wakes up hungry and thirsty, so he goes and gets two sandwiches and two beers.

He offers one to the statue, but the statue kept still, as a statue should.

“Go on” said the husband…. “take one… I stood like that for two days at the Smiths’ and no bastard offered me a fucking thing!”

At a wine merchant’s warehouse the regular taster died.

The director started looking for a new one to hire.

A retired Marine A-4 pilot, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position.

The director wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass of wine to taste.

The old pilot tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.”

“That’s correct,” said the boss. “Another glass, please.”

“It’s a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”

“Absolutely correct. A third glass.”

“It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,” said the drunk.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant,”…

“And if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.”

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Bob.”

Bob was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.”

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past, “So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”

“Not bad.” replied Bob the hen. “But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”

“You’re ovulating.” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?!”

“Never!” said Bob.

“Well, just relax and let it happen.” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”

Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood!

He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell,

“BOB, wake up!! You’ve shit the bed!”