Jokes of the Day

One Saturday, a husband and wife went to a livestock auction to look over a farmer’s prize breeding bulls.

The sign on the first pen said: “This bull mated 50 times last year.”

The wife gave her husband a playful nudge. “Wow, that’s almost once a week! Pretty impressive, huh?”

At the second pen, the sign said: “This bull mated 150 times last year.”

She poked him a little harder, grinning. “Goodness, that’s more than twice a week! You could learn a thing or two from him.”

The third pen’s sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.”

This time she jammed her elbow into his ribs. “That’s once a day! Can you imagine? You really ought to take lessons from this one.”

Fed up, the husband turned to her and said,

“Why don’t you go ask the farmer if every time was with the same old cow?”

The mafia has an accountant who happens to be deaf.

One day the big boss is going over the books and spots that a million dollars has gone missing.

He calls in the accountant, along with a sign language interpreter.

“A million dollars is missing. Where is it?” the boss demands.

The interpreter signs, “A million dollars is missing. The boss wants to know where it is.”

The accountant signs back, “What? I have no idea what he’s talking about.”

“Boss, he says he has no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I’ll ask one more time,” the boss says. “Where is the money?”

The interpreter signs, “He’s asking one more time. Where’s the money?”

“Honestly, I don’t know what he’s talking about!” the accountant signs.

“He says he honestly doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

Now the boss is livid. He pounds the table, pulls out a gun, and presses it to the accountant’s head.

“Tell this weasel that if he doesn’t tell me where the money is right now, I’m going to blow his brains all over this desk!”

The interpreter signs, “Okay, he means it. Tell him where the money is or he’s going to kill you right here.”

“Okay! Okay! I’ll tell you!” the accountant signs frantically. “It’s in a briefcase under my desk!”

“Well?” the boss shouts. “What did he say?”

The interpreter says,

“Well, boss, he said go screw yourself.”

Driving along a sunny country road, a priest spots a nun standing at a bus stop, so he pulls over and offers her a ride.

The young nun gratefully stows her bag in the trunk and climbs into the passenger seat.

As they pull away, she turns to buckle her seat belt, and her habit falls open just enough to show a lovely leg.

The priest sneaks a look and almost drives off the road. Once he has the car steady again, he can’t resist resting his hand on her knee and slowly sliding it upward.

“Father,” she says at once, “remember psalm 129!”

Flustered, the priest pulls his hand back and apologizes over and over. His eyes, though, refuse to leave her leg.

A little farther on, while shifting gears, his hand drifts up her leg again.

“Father, remember psalm 129!!” the nun repeats.

Again he apologizes. “Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak.”

When they reach the convent, the nun steps out, throws him a meaningful look, and walks off.

The moment the priest gets back to his church, he grabs a bible and flips to psalm 129. It read,

“Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you may miss a great opportunity.

On an island in the South Pacific, a missionary was out walking with the village chief, teaching him English as they went.

When they came to a stream, the missionary pointed at it and said, “Stream.”

The chief looked at it and repeated, “Stream.”

Farther along the path, the missionary pointed to a bird and said, “Bird.”

The chief looked and repeated, “Bird.”

A bit farther on, the missionary noticed a couple having sex in the grass.

Unsure how to explain it to the chief, the missionary said, “Man riding bicycle.”

The chief looked, then took out his blowgun and shot two poison darts into them.

Horrified, the missionary asked him why on earth he had done that.

The chief answered,

“Man riding My Bicycle”.

Yossel Zelkovitz had a job at a pickle factory in Poland.

For years he had been tormented by a powerful, almost irresistible urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.

When he couldn’t take it anymore, he went to the factory psychologist for help.

Six months of intensive therapy later, the exasperated psychologist threw in the towel. His advice to Yossel was to just go ahead and do it, or he would probably never know a moment’s peace.

The very next day, Yossel came home from work hours early.

His wife, Sacha, was alarmed and demanded to know what was going on.

In tears, Yossel told her for the first time about his terrible urge to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Today, he explained, he had finally done it, and he was fired on the spot.

Sacha let out a gasp and rushed over. She yanked down his pants and shorts, only to find his penis completely intact.

She looked up at him, confused. “I don’t get it. What about the pickle slicer?”

Yossel replied, “I think she got fired, too.”

Carl and Dave work on the ground crew at the Atlanta airport, mostly out on the tarmac refueling planes after they land.

One day a thick fog rolls in, and every plane is grounded. With nothing to do, Carl and Dave are going out of their minds with boredom.

“Man, I’m bored,” Dave says. “I wish we could get drunk or something.”

“We can,” Carl says. “Did you know drinking jet fuel gets you just as wasted as regular booze?”

“Seriously?!” says Dave.

“And here’s the best part,” Carl goes on. “No aftereffects. No hangover or nothing.”

“Well, heck,” says Dave. “Pour me one.”

So the two of them spend the whole night drinking jet fuel until they black out.

The next morning Dave wakes up and lifts his head off the pillow, bracing himself. To his amazement, he feels fantastic. No headache, no nausea, nothing. He gets out of bed and walks around, and he isn’t even dizzy. He can’t believe it.

Just then his phone rings. It’s Carl.

“Dude, this is unreal,” Dave says. “I feel great. I can’t believe how much jet fuel we put away last night, and I feel awesome! That stuff is incredible!”

“Yeah, I know, it’s great stuff,” Carl says. “But there’s something I need to tell you.”

“Yeah?” says Dave.

“Whatever you do, DON’T FART! I’m in Cleveland!”

A Jewish businessman from Chicago packed his son off to Israel for a year, hoping he’d soak up the culture.

The boy returned full of stories. “Papa, Israel was wonderful. Oh, and I converted to Christianity.”

“Oy vey,” the father groaned. “What have I done?”

Desperate, he went to see his best friend. “Ike, my boy spent a year in Israel and came back a Christian. What do I do?”

“Funny you should ask,” said Ike. “I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Let’s go talk to the rabbi.”

Off they went, and they poured out their story to the rabbi.

“Funny you should ask,” said the rabbi. “I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Our young people, what is happening to them?”

So the three men bowed their heads and told the Lord all about their sons.

When the prayer ended, a voice rang out from above:

“Funny you should mention it,” said the voice. “I, too, sent my son to Israel…”

An Amish mother and her daughter went to a shopping mall for the first time.

Nearly everything there astonished them, but nothing more than a pair of shiny silver walls that kept sliding open and shut.

“Mother, what is this?” the girl asked.

The mother had never seen an elevator before. “I’ve never seen anything like it in all my life,” she said. “I have no idea what it is.”

As they stood there staring, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the walls and pushed a button.

The walls slid apart, and he wheeled himself into a tiny room.

Then the walls closed, and the two of them watched the little numbers above the doors light up one after another.

They kept watching until the highest number lit, and then kept watching as the numbers lit up again in reverse.

The walls slid open once more, and out stepped a handsome, muscular young man.

Without taking her eyes off him, the mother whispered to her daughter,

“Go get your father.”

A man in Newfoundland, Canada, lost his wife in a kayaking accident. The very next day there was a knock at his door, and he opened it to find two grim-faced officers from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

“Mr. Wilkens,” one of them said, “we’re sorry to have to tell you this, but we have news about your wife.”

“Tell me!” Wilkens cried. “Did you find her?”

The officers looked at each other.

“We have some bad news, some good news, and some fantastic news,” one of them said. “Which do you want first?”

Wilkens went pale and braced himself. “Give me the bad news.”

“I’m very sorry, sir, but this morning we pulled your wife’s body out of the bay.”

“Oh no!” Wilkens gasped.

After a minute he pulled himself together. “So what’s the good news?”

“Well,” the officer said, “when we brought her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and six big Dungeness crabs hanging on to her. We’re pretty sure you’re entitled to a share of the catch.”

Wilkens was stunned. “If that’s the good news, what’s the fantastic news?”

Without cracking a smile, the officer said,

“We’re pulling her up again tomorrow.”

A man leans in the door of a barbershop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

Every chair is full and the bench is packed. “Probably 2 hours,” the barber tells him.

The man nods and disappears.

Seven days later he’s back, leaning in the same doorway with the same question: “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber counts heads. “Hour and a half, maybe.”

Again the man vanishes.

This time the barber turns to his pal. “Bob, go follow that guy and find out where he heads. He keeps checking on the wait and then never shows up.”

Before long Bob is back, doubled over with laughter.

“Well? Where’s he going?” the barber demands.

Bob dries his eyes, catches his breath, and says,

“Your house!”

Peter was an incurable optimist, and it drove his friends crazy. However awful things got, his answer was always the same: “It could have been worse.”

Determined to break him of the habit, his friends cooked up a story so horrible, so utterly hopeless, that not even Peter could find a silver lining.

One day on the football pitch, one of them said, “Peter, did you hear about Tom? He got home last night, caught his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then shot himself!”

“That’s terrible,” Peter said. “But it could have been worse.”

His friend stared at him. “How in the hell could it have been worse?”

“Well,” replied Peter, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”

A man goes to see his doctor.

“Doc, you’ve got to look at my leg. Something’s not right. Just put your ear against my thigh and listen!”

Warily, the doctor presses his ear to the man’s thigh and hears a voice: “Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks.”

“I’ve never encountered anything like this,” says the doctor. “How long has it been going on?”

“That’s nothing, Doc. Try listening to my knee.”

The doctor puts his ear to the knee, and it says, “Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!”

“Sir, I honestly don’t know what to say,” the stunned doctor tells him. “I’ve never seen this before.”

“Hold on, Doc, there’s more. Listen to my ankle,” the man insists.

The doctor does, and he’s floored when the ankle begs, “Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can.”

“I’m at a total loss,” the doctor says, flipping desperately through every medical book he owns. “There’s nothing about this anywhere.”

“But I can make an educated guess. Going by life and everything I’ve seen over the years, I’d say,”

“Your leg appears to be broke in three places.”

A man got home from a business trip a day early and caught a cab at the airport. It was past midnight.

On the ride, he asked the driver whether he’d be willing to act as a witness.

He explained that he suspected his wife was cheating, and he meant to catch her red-handed.

The cabby said he’d do it for $100.

They slipped quietly into the house and crept up to the bedroom.

The husband flicked on the light and ripped back the covers, and there was his wife in bed with another man.

Enraged, the husband grabbed his shotgun out of the closet.

“Stop!” his wife cried. “This man has been very generous to us! I lied when I said I’d inherited all that money.”

“He bought the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser.”

“He paid for the lake house. He paid for our country club membership, and he even covers the monthly dues!”

The husband shook his head slowly and lowered the gun.

He turned to the cab driver. “What would you do?”

The cabby answered,

“I’d cover him up with that blanket, before he catches a cold!”

An elderly woman comes into a bank carrying $300,000 in cash. She plunks the stack of bills down on the counter and says she’d like to open an account.

The manager, Mr. Barry, spots her and invites her back to his office. As they fill out the forms, he asks where all that money came from.

“Mrs. Smith, we’re thrilled to have your business, but the rules say we have to ask about the source of large deposits. Would you mind telling me?”

“Not at all. I’m very good at betting.”

“Betting? You mean on sports?”

“No, I tend to bet on more unusual things.”

“Like what?”

“Well, perhaps you’d like to take one of my bets yourself. I’ll wager $200,000 that your balls are square, not round.”

The manager is stunned. “You mean my testicles?”

“Yes, your testicles. $200,000 says they’re square.”

Certain of his own anatomy and tempted by the money, he says, “All right, Mrs. Smith. It’s a bet.”

She suggests bringing a notary as a witness so there won’t be any arguments later. They agree to meet again the next morning.

That night, just to be sure, the manager inspects himself in the mirror. Everything checks out, and he goes to bed planning how to spend his winnings.

The next morning Mrs. Smith shows up with a man in tow. The three of them go into the manager’s office, and she tells him to drop his pants and underwear. A little nervously, he does.

“I’ll need to check with my own hands to be certain,” she says. “It’s a lot of money, you understand.”

Given the stakes, he agrees. She takes a careful feel and says, “Yes, I think they might be round.” At that exact moment, the notary starts banging his head against the wall.

Baffled, the manager asks, “What’s the matter with him?”

“I told you I was good at betting, Mr. Barry. I may have lost $200,000 to you,”

“But yesterday I bet this gentleman $500k that by this morning, I would have the Bank of Somerset manager’s balls in my own hands!”

A clearly drunk man staggers in through the front door of a bar, climbs onto a stool and, with a loud belch, asks for a drink.

The bartender tells him politely that he seems to have had plenty already, that he can’t be served any more alcohol here, and asks whether he’d like a cab.

The drunk looks surprised for a second, then mutters, grumbles, slides off the stool and stumbles back out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk lurches in through the side door. He weaves his way up to the bar and yells for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still polite but firmer this time, refuses to serve him because he’s intoxicated and once again offers to call a cab.

The drunk glares at him for a moment, swears, and stomps out the side door, grumbling and shaking his head the whole way.

A few minutes after that, the same drunk barges in through the back door. He drops onto a stool, pulls himself together and angrily demands a drink.

The bartender marches over and tells him flatly that he’s obviously drunk, he won’t be served, and either a cab or the police are about to be called.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries, “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?”

A little boy wanders into a barbershop, and the barber leans over to his customer and whispers, “That’s the dumbest kid in town. Watch this.”

He holds out a five-dollar bill in one hand and two shiny dollar coins in the other, waves the boy over, and asks, “Which one do you want, kid?”

The boy grabs the coins and runs off.

“Told you,” the barber says, pleased with himself. “He never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same boy coming out of a candy store, sucking on a lollipop.

“Hey, kid! Mind if I ask you something? Why’d you take the coins and not the five-dollar bill?”

The boy grins, keeps working on his lollipop, and says,

“Because the minute I snatch the five, the fun stops!”

For years, an old man in Florida had owned a big farm.

Out back was a large pond he’d fixed up nicely, with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, a volleyball court and a few apple and peach trees.

He’d even shaped the pond so it was good for swimming.

One evening, since he hadn’t been down there in a while, the old farmer decided to walk out to the pond and check on it. He took along a five-gallon bucket to carry back some fruit.

As he got close, he could hear voices yelling and laughing happily.

Coming nearer, he saw a group of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He let them know he was there, and they all swam over to the deep end.

“We’re not getting out until you leave!” one of them yelled.

The old man scowled. “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or to make you climb out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

For six days, nobody could find God. On the seventh day, the archangel Michael finally tracked him down, resting.

‘So this is where you’ve been hiding,’ Michael said.

Beaming with pride, God pointed down through the clouds. ‘Look, Michael. Look at what I’ve made.’

Michael frowned. ‘What is it?’

‘It’s a planet,’ God said, ‘and I’ve put Life on it. I’m calling it Earth, and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.’

‘Balance?’ Michael asked. ‘I still don’t follow.’

God pointed to different parts of the planet. ‘For instance, northern Europe will be a land of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe will be poor. Here I’ve put a continent of white people, and there a continent of black people. Balance in all things.’

He kept pointing. ‘This country will be scorching hot, and this one will be freezing cold and covered in ice.’

Impressed, Michael pointed to another patch of land. ‘And what’s that one?’

‘Ah, that’s Washington State, the finest spot on the whole planet,’ God said. ‘Gorgeous mountains, rivers, streams and lakes, with forests, rolling hills and wide plains. Its people will be good-looking, humble, smart and witty, and they’ll see the world. Friendly to a fault, hard workers, big achievers, famous everywhere as diplomats, peacemakers and makers of software.’

Michael was amazed, but something bothered him. ‘But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.’

God smiled, ‘There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.’

Jane fell for Tarzan the moment she met him in the jungle.

She was curious about his life, and at one point she asked whether he’d ever had sex.

“Tarzan not know sex,” he said.

So Jane explained it to him.

“Ohhh,” said Tarzan. “Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.”

Jane was horrified. “Tarzan, you’ve got it all wrong. Let me show you how it’s really done.”

She undressed, lay down on the ground and pointed between her legs. “Here. You have to put it in here.”

Tarzan dropped his loincloth, revealing an impressive package. Then he walked up to her and kicked her square in the crotch!

Jane writhed on the ground for what felt like forever.

When she could finally breathe again, she screamed, “Why did you do that?!”

Tarzan said,

“Check for squirrel.”

Jack and Mike are standing in line at the company cafeteria when Jack turns around and says, “My elbow is killing me. I guess I’d better go see a doctor.”

“Don’t waste your money on that,” Mike tells him. “The drugstore on the corner has a diagnostic computer. You feed it a urine sample, and it tells you what’s wrong and what to do. Takes ten seconds and costs ten bucks. Way cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack pees into a little jar and carries it down to the drugstore. He puts in his ten dollars, and the machine lights up and asks for the sample.

He pours it into the slot. Ten seconds later out comes a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That night Jack is marveling at this amazing new technology when he starts to wonder whether the thing can be fooled. So he mixes up a batch: some tap water, a stool sample from the dog, urine samples from his wife and his daughter, and then, for good measure, he m*st*rb*tes into it.

Back he goes to the drugstore, dying to see what happens. In go ten dollars, in goes the mixture, and he waits.

The machine prints out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

A man flying to Chicago suddenly realized he urgently needed to use the restroom.

He went to the men’s room and waited, anxiously tapping his foot. Every time he tried the door, it was locked.

A flight attendant saw his situation and said, “I’ll let you use the ladies’ room, but on one condition: don’t touch the buttons on the wall!”

Sitting on the toilet, finally relieved, he found himself staring at the buttons. They were labeled “WW,” “WA,” “PP” and “ATR.”

Like so many men who don’t take a woman’s warning seriously, he let curiosity win and decided to try them anyway.

He cautiously pushed the “WW” button, and warm water sprayed all over his backside.

“Wow, this is surprisingly nice,” he thought. “Women really have it made!”

Still curious, he pushed “WA,” and a soft stream of warm air quickly dried his rear end.

“This is incredible!” he thought. “There’s nothing like this in the men’s room!”

Next he pressed “PP,” and a big powder puff gently dusted his bottom with soft talc.

Naturally, he couldn’t help himself with the last button, “ATR,” and everything went black.

He woke up in a hospital bed, panicked, and hit the call button for the nurse.

When she came in, he shouted, “What happened to me?! The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies’ room on a plane!”

The nurse said,

“Yes, I’m sure you were having a great time until you pressed the ‘ATR’ button, which stands for ‘Automatic Tampon Remover.’”

A man from Ireland comes into a Dublin pub, orders three pints of Guinness, and carries them to a table in the back, where he takes a sip from each in turn.

Once all three are empty, he goes back up and orders three more.

The bartender leans over and says, “You know, a pint goes flat once it’s poured. You’d enjoy them more if you got them one at a time.”

“Ah, but you see,” the man says, “I’ve got two brothers. One lives in America, one lives in Australia, and here I am in Dublin.”

“When we all went our separate ways, we promised we’d drink like this in memory of the times we drank together. So there’s one for each o’ me brothers and one for me self.”

The bartender agrees it’s a lovely tradition and lets it be.

The man becomes a fixture at the pub, and it’s always the same ritual: three pints, sipped in turn.

Then one day he walks in and orders only two.

The whole room notices, and the other regulars go quiet.

When he comes up for his second round, the bartender says gently, “I don’t mean to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to say I’m sorry for your loss.”

For a moment the man looks baffled. Then it clicks, and he bursts out laughing.

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he says. “It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”

“But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding.

The guy rolls his window down, and the cop says, “Sir, you were going 70 in a 50 mph zone. Any particular reason you’re in such a rush?”

“Well,” the man says, “I didn’t want you to find the 200 kilos of crack hidden in my backseat.”

“Or the anthrax bomb in my glove compartment.”

“Or the dead hooker in my trunk.”

“Or the six-year-old girl tied up next to her.”

“Honestly, I’m so drunk and high right now that I’ve probably forgotten a few things.”

Sure he’s about to make the bust of his career, the cop radios for backup.

The officers tear the car apart and test the driver, and they come up with nothing. No trace of anything he supposedly confessed to, and no sign he’s done anything wrong at all.

When they’re finished, one of the other officers apologizes for the trouble, explaining that the first cop believed he’d caught some kind of drugged-up criminal.

“Wow, he’s got some imagination,” the man says.

“I bet he told you I was speeding too?”

It’s an ordinary day at the bar when the door flies open and four excited blondes come bouncing in.

They walk up and order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, then carry everything to a big table and sit down.

Corks pop, glasses get filled, and they start toasting and chanting,

“51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”

Three more blondes come in, grab their drinks, and the chant gets louder,

“51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”

Then two more arrive and join right in,

“51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”

At last the tenth blonde walks in carrying a picture under her arm.

She sets it down in the middle of the table, and the place goes wild.

Everybody jumps up, dancing around the table and trading high-fives, still chanting,

“51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”

The bartender can’t stand it anymore and heads over to the table.

In the middle sits a beautifully framed children’s puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

Once things settle down a bit, he asks one of them, “So what’s the big celebration?”

The blonde who brought the picture speaks up. “Everybody thinks blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle, and put it together.”

“The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!”