Jokes of the Day

Lost at sea, two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, found themselves adrift in a lifeboat after a daring escape from a burning freighter. 🌊🔥

While rummaging through the boat’s meager provisions, Patrick’s fingers brushed against something metallic and cool. Pulling it out, he found an old, tarnished lamp. 🏺

Secretly hoping for a bit of magic, he gave it a vigorous rub, recalling tales of genies and wishes.

To his astonishment, with a puff of blue smoke, a genie appeared! 🧞‍♂️

This particular genie, however, seemed a bit different. Adjusting his tiny spectacles, he said, “Look, lads, I’m in a bit of a rush today. So, you only get one wish, not the usual three.”

Patrick, not one to waste time, and with a twinkle in his eye, immediately blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” 🍺🌊

With a thunderous clap, the genie snapped his fingers, and in an instant, the entire sea transformed into a vast expanse of dark, frothy Guinness, the finest brew ever to touch mortal lips. 🌊🍻

The air filled with the rich aroma of roasted barley and hops.

Then, just as swiftly, the genie vanished, leaving the two Irishmen alone with their thoughts and an ocean of beer.

For a moment, they sat in silence, the gentle lapping of Guinness against the hull the only sound breaking the stillness. 🌊🍺

Patrick, grinning from ear to ear, looked expectantly at Michael, who, on the other hand, was staring at the ocean with a look of utter disgust.

After a long, tension-filled pause, Michael finally spoke.

“Nice going, Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.” 🚤💦

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince Cinderella happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

“The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.”

The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. He held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…

“I bet now you’re sorry you had me castrated!”

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of “WOW”! were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned.

“What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

“Had him circumcised.”

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting.

At the end of the day, the four CEO’s of the beer companies decide to have a drink at a local bar.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

Then the barmaid asks the CEO of Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everyone’s amazement, he orders a Coke.

Dumbfounded, the other CEO’s ask him why he didn’t order a Guinness?!

He replies,

“Naah, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, than neither will I.”

A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife’s purse.

“How could you do this?” the pastor cried. “You know we’re on an incredibly tight budget!”

“I know,” the woman said, “but the devil himself was shopping with me. He convinced me the dress looked so good I had to buy it!”

The pastor consoled his wife with a hand on her shoulder.

“In those moments, my love, you’ve got to yell out loud, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’”

“I did that,” the wife explained, “and then the cheeky devil said,”…

“‘The dress looks even better from back here!’”

Elderly Johnny and his wife Mary were driving across the country.

While Mary was behind the wheel, the couple were pulled over by the highway patrol.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer asked.

Mary, who is hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

Johnny yelled, “He said you were speeding!”

The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”

Mary turned to Johnny again, “What did he say?”

Johnny yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”

Mary then gave the officer her license.

“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once, and went on a blind date with the ugliest, craziest and meanest woman I’ve ever met.”

Mary turned to her husband Johnny again and asked, “What did he say?”

Johnny yelled back,

“He said he dated your mother!”

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”

Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”

He knocks at a young man’s apartment and asks him, “Would you like to buy a top-of-the-line toothbrush? It’s only ten dollars.”

“Ten bucks for a toothbrush!” the man yells. “What moron would pay ten dollars for a toothbrush? You’re out of your mind.”

“All right then,” the salesman continues, “then how about a fresh-baked brownie for a dollar?” The man thinks it over and says, “Okay, why not?”

The salesman hands over the brownie. The man takes a bite and spits it out onto the floor in the hallway.

“My god, that tastes like crap!” he yells.

“Well, that’s because it is crap,” the salesman explains. “So can I interest you in a toothbrush?”

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man.

“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.”

“We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

“I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was the golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.”

“That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,

‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, “I did some schoolwork.”

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, “OK, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”

Son says, “Toy Story.”

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, “Ok, Ok, we were watching porn.”

Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, “Well. He certainly is your son!”

The robot slaps the mother. 🤣😂😆😂

One sunny afternoon, little Johnny found himself seated in the sandbox alongside his crush, Sally.

Engrossed in their play, a sudden, barely audible toot escaped from Johnny, causing a small puff of sand to rise.

Flushed with embarrassment, Johnny began to apologize profusely.

But before he could finish, Sally interrupted with wide-eyed wonder, exclaiming, “That was incredible! How did you manage that?”

Bewildered, Johnny shrugged, “I guess it just happened.”

Undeterred by Johnny’s reluctance, Sally persisted, insisting that he teach her the art of sand-farting.

After much persuasion, Johnny relented and offered some guidance.

Sally eagerly followed Johnny’s instructions, pushing with all her might, but to no avail.

Encouraged by Johnny’s unwavering support, Sally put every ounce of strength into her efforts.

Suddenly, there was a deafening explosion!

Sally was flung one way, Johnny the other, and sand flew in every direction, leaving them both sprawled on the ground, dazed.

Regaining consciousness first, Johnny stumbled over to check on Sally, his heart pounding with concern.

With a mischievous glint in his eye, Johnny lifted Sally’s dress and exclaimed, “Just as I suspected…”

And with a grin, he declared,

“…Dual exhaust!”

Washing Your Cat

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they “lick” themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis, the dog… do get dirty and have a variety of odors… from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog’s breath. (Remember… your dog will try to eat anything.)

Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question. So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you… you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

1. First… dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welder’s gloves.

2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area beforehand. No… blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.

4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire… the cat barely notices you anyway.

6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom… speed is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he’s madder than a wet hornet.

7. As best you can, wearing welder’s gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.

9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No… this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.

12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door… put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours… it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.

A man really has to pee badly.

He walks into the restroom of a venue and stands in front of a urinal.

There he sees another guy peeing, but with two streams. He says, “What happened to you that makes you pee like that?”

The other guy looks up and explains, “I took a bullet to the penis back in ‘Nam. The doctors did all they could and I wound up with two holes.”

The man lets it rest, but a while later sees another guy peeing with three streams.

Again the man asks how it’s possible and the guy explained, “I took a bullet to the penis in Iraq. The doctors put it back together as best they could and now I have three streams, I count myself lucky.”

The man turns around and by chance sees a third guy peeing but with almost a hundred streams, making a right royal mess. It was going up the wall, on the floor, and all over the place.

Bewildered, the man asks what war HE was in.

“Nah, it’s not like that. My damn zipper’s stuck.”

“James, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.”

“I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around.”

“It’s been so good I’ve not been able to stop myself.”

“Sometimes it’s just a quickie, but at other times it can last an hour or two.”

“I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it as good at home.”

“I can’t live with the guilt any longer.”

“I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology. It won’t happen again.”

Feeling outrage and betrayed, James smashes his phone on the wall, glares at his wife, and without a word, he leaves.

Moments later the neighbor sends another text message:

“Silly auto-correct. I meant to say ‘wifi’”

When he gets to the man’s home, he sees the man and his family are in the middle of party.

Death tells the man why he has come.

The man begs Death to spare him but death insists that he must start at the top of his list and his name is first.

The man sadly agrees but asks Death if he could at least finish up the party with his family.

Death agrees and they invite him to join the festivities.

While Death is distracted with the party, the man quickly moves his name to the bottom of the list.

Death has a great time and at the end of the party he’s in a good mood.

He turns to the man and says,

“You know what? Since you’ve treated me to such a great time, I’ll start from the bottom of the list this time.”

They were stuck behind a really slow group of golfers.

The economist fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.”

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”

The economist said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

St. Peter conducts a census in heaven and realizes someone is missing.

So he goes to the computer and realizes that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell.

He get’s on the phone to the Devil.

St. Peter: “So, Dev, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?”

Devil: “Bob? No way. Not going to. Since he has been down here he fixed the aircons, the plumbing and basically everything that was wrong with hell. We are living in paradise down here thanks to Bob. And at the fraction of the cost. Would you believe he found a way to power everything using thermodynamics? No way you am I sending him up.”

St. Peter: “Well this is highly irregular. You leave me no choice. I will have to sue.”

Devil (laughing diabolically): “Sue? Where do you suppose you’ll find a lawyer?”

It was a glorious Sunday morning on the Glasgow municipal golf course.

I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

“WOULD THE GENTLEMAN ON THE WOMAN’S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN’S TEE PLEASE!”

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement rang out louder,

“Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S tee kindly back up to the men’s tee.”

I simply ignored the request and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled,

“Would the man on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee, PLEASE?”

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back,

“Would the person in the clubhouse kindly stop shouting and let me play my second shot?!”

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military.

They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 55.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry.’ We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured, we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I’ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50… in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They’ll have it secured the first night!

A bunch of high-ranking officers were gathered, musing over the effort-to-pleasure ratio of intimate encounters.

The young lieutenant starts off with, “I’d say making love is a blast – about 80% enjoyment and only 20% effort.”

The captain counters, “Hmm, it’s not that effortless. My take is it’s more like 60% delight and 40% labor.”

The major jumps in, “You’re both off the mark. It’s certainly heavy lifting. In my view, it’s 20% pleasure and a whopping 80% toil.”

As they debated, a private strolled past the room.

Curious, the officers beckon him into the debate and lay out their musings, eager for his perspective.

Quick as a flash, the private asserts, “Sirs, in my experience, it’s absolutely 100% joy.”

Perplexed, one officer asks, “That’s quite a bold statement. How did you arrive at that figure?”

With a grin, the private responds, “If there was even a shred of effort involved, I’m sure I’d be the one ordered to do it for you folks!”

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish”

“Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”

Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.”

Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Always let your boss have the first say

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Lesson 3:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ”Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest apologized, “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”

The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up

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Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull, “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter.

It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy

Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend

And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

A guy walks into a bar and says, “Give me a shot of your finest Whiskey, and pour one for yourself, on me!”

The bartender is surprised but pleased, so he pours two shots of the most expensive Scotch in the house.

They toast and drink up.

After a few moments, the man gets up and walks towards the door without paying.

The bartender chases after him and says, “hey what’s the big idea?! You haven’t paid the bill!”

The guy says, “Sorry, I haven’t got a cent on me.”

So the bartender grabs him by the collar and tosses him out the door and says to not come back.

The next night the same guy walks in and the bartender is about to kick him out, but the guy says,…

“Give me two shots of your finest whiskey. I’m really sorry about last night, let me make it up to you. Let’s have another couple of shots and be friends again.”

The bartender is wary but figures no-one would be crazy enough to pull the same stunt twice, and gives the guy the benefit of the doubt.

He pours and they drink up.

But once again the guy gets up to leave without paying.

The bartender chases after him again and says, “Hey! You owe me for all those drinks!”

The man shrugs, “Sorry, I haven’t got a cent on me.”

So the bartender really roughs-him-up this time and sends him on his way with a black eye and a bloody lip.

The next night the same guy shows up again and says, “Give me one shot of your finest Whiskey.”

“What,” the bartender mocks, “How come you’re not buying me a drink as well this time?”

“Holy smokes dude, no way!”…

“You get way too violent when you drink!”

One evening, a family takes their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies,…

“Except they won’t let you fart.”

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice 🎲.

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.”

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!”

As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, “Yes! Yes! I won! I won!” 🎉

She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs.

The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll?”

The other answers,

“I don’t know, I thought YOU were watching.” 🤔